Jackie Brown, ACC; Founder, JB Communications Group
Her shoulders softened. Her sigh was long and louder than she expected. Something big just shifted.
Like many of my coaching clients, this one had recently been promoted. She was crushing her goals, an expert in her field and respected by her team yet the promotion had her tongue-tied. Walking into different meetings had her heart racing. She found herself second-guessing her answers in discussions. And her boss was calling her out. He’d just told her he needed to hear more of her, not less.
It was time to buck up.
She was eager to be there for her boss, to honor the trust he had in her. They’d been working together for a while and she admired his leadership style and wisdom. So when he noticed she was now hanging back, she knew something had to change. She had to find her voice in these new spaces.
New spaces, different faces, and a tighter pressure to perform at the higher levels of leadership can absolutely dampen anyone’s natural instincts. It’s human nature to take a moment to survey the lay of the land and get a feel for the group. And as we know, every group has its own dynamics – departments have mini-cultures, project teams have politics – certainly each leadership level does too.
Yet we’ve been called up to the big leagues for a reason. Our bosses want – wait, they actually NEED – our input, ideas and innovations. They have spotted our strengths, now it’s our turn: find our voice so those strengths move the work forward.
This is where many well-meaning friends might counsel us to “fake it til we make it.” It feels like we’re supposed to grin and bear it, walk in with a swagger, sit in the proper seat to make our presence known. Yet when we see those types of people in meetings, we often cringe, doubt their credibility and certainly keep them at a distance. That’s not the type of leader we’re inspired to follow, so why spend our time and reputation on those hollow tactics?
Experience is only part of the confidence equation
In fact, psychologist Jenny Crocker, a researcher at Ohio State University describes what many of us sense but rarely name: knowingly putting on an act — performing confidence we don’t actually feel — actively works against us. The mask doesn’t build confidence. It erodes it.
She and several other researchers are cited in The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-assurance by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman, a fascinating look at how confidence can be built.
And what researchers found, like my client many of us base our confidence on what we’ve achieved – the experiences we’ve been through, the data we’ve collected. But then what happens when we’re invited to the rooms where we might have the least experience? Isn’t that actually where we need confidence the most? How DO we find the courage to speak up, share ideas and discuss alternatives in spaces where our experience is slim?
I encouraged my client to think of wise leaders she respected and soon she was describing her own boss. When he hired her into the company, he was the Chief Marketing Officer and now he’s Chief Executive Officer, running the entire company. Which led me to my next question: how has he handled the lack of experience in some aspects of his new role?
That’s when she began to see possibilities. That’s when she began to look beyond her resume and experiences and instead look to her capabilities, strengths and values. She realized her boss isn’t expecting her to know all the answers, just like he doesn’t know all the answers. He chose her for reasons above and beyond her experience.
So she started using her experiences as proof, not of a specific result, but proof of her ability to get things done, to learn, to build a team. Her mode of operating – her voice – is what she could build her confidence on.
From proving to connecting
As we’ve moved through our collaboration, she’s also discovered the power of curiosity. Leaning into listening and questions as a way to elevate discussions and increase collaborations.
Truly listening to others and asking clarifying questions keeps conversations moving and it also moves the spotlight off of us when we’re more nervous. Those who find it daunting to answer questions, often find asking questions is a great way to ease into the dynamics of a new group.
And as Adam Grant shows us in Think Again, that sort of confident humility, or using a beginner’s mindset, is also a great way to spur innovation. Many groups or projects can become stale and reliant on routines. A new person asking thoughtful questions can be the spark which moves work forward again.
Curiosity isn’t only for the newbies – many Fortune 100 leaders have also leaned into listening as the default method for gaining consensus and making decisions. They ask questions and seek input from others in the room before they give their own input.
Now those are the type of leaders we want to follow – curious, and also wise. Sure of what they bring to the table without having to announce it. Able to connect to themselves, the group and the work.
These leaders know their voice and use it for good.
She closed out of our session that day with her shoulders back and something settled in her eyes. Not because she suddenly knew everything. Because she remembered she didn’t have to.